


Teach Me How To Love You

by A_drop_in_the_ocean



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Gay, Grieving, JJpope, M/M, Mayward - Freeform, They OWN ME, m/m - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:53:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24314596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_drop_in_the_ocean/pseuds/A_drop_in_the_ocean
Summary: John B. and Sarah have been dead for three days. The pogues left behind grieve alone and in very different ways. Maybe Pope and JJ can find it within themselves to help each other heal.
Relationships: JJ/Pope (Outer Banks), Kiara & Pope (Outer Banks)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 87





	Teach Me How To Love You

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fanfiction and I had so much fun writing it. Try not to be too harsh, but constructive criticism is always welcome. If the grammar is bad in this or I used one too many commas its because... I'm bad at grammar and I don't know how to use commas. If you find any spelling mistakes please do not be afraid to tell me. This is dedicated to the entire JJPope group chat, you guys know who you are.

It’s been three days since John B and Sarah died. JJ felt, well he didn’t feel anything. On day one he raged, he went over to John B’s and trashed the place. On day 2 he cried, he sat in the middle of the mess he had created and sobbed where no one could see him. Today is day three and he just feels empty. Like there’s a cold void where his emotions should be. He doesn’t know what he prefers, this empty blackness or the gut wrenching pain that comes along with knowing that your best friend is dead. 

He’s developed somewhat of a routine. He spends his days at John B’s and his nights at Pope’s. He hasn’t seen Kie since that fateful night and he doesn’t know if it’s because she’s distancing herself from them, or if he’s the one creating distance. As for Pope, he’s trying to be strong. He puts on a brave smile and helps his dad, he buries himself in books and tries to seem like his normal self, he even offers to hang out with JJ every morning without fail. JJ declines every single time. It's too hard to watch Pope try to replicate his usually vibrant smile, all the while sadness sparkles in his eyes. It's too hard to see the bags under Pope’s eyes that are the tells of his restless nights. JJ is barely holding on and he thinks that watching Pope try to fake the happiness that used to come so easily to him, for others' sake, might be the thing to shatter him beyond repair. 

JJ has known how he felt about Pope for a while. It started off small. He’d see something and his first thought would be wondering how Pope would react to it. He’d see Pope’s smile and his stomach would flip, even more so if he’s the one who put it there. Pope’s laughter could bring a smile to his face, even when things at home were worse than normal. He quickly realized that, Pope’s opinion mattered more to him than anyone else’s. The tipping point came when he caught himself staring at Pope’s lips, wondering what would happen if he just grabbed Pope’s face and kissed him. The thought freaked him out so bad that he avoided Pope for two days afterwards. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Pope was Pope, how could he not have feelings for him? Pope is kind, and smart, and funny, and more than anything he makes JJ feel safe. Whether or not it’s love, JJ wouldn’t know. He’s never experienced love of any kind. None of that matters though because Pope is in love with Kie, and JJ isn’t going to ruin their friendship over his stupid feelings.

So here he is in his dead friend's house, cleaning up the mess he made two days ago and avoiding having to see Pope for as long as possible. He’ll go back tonight, but only when it’s late enough that he’ll be able to go straight to bed and not have to watch Pope fake being fine.

*********

Pope wasn’t doing okay. During the day he smiled and did everything he was supposed to do so that his parents wouldn’t worry (he didn’t think they actually believed him because every time he offers to help his father, his dad insists that he can handle it and that Pope should rest), but when he was alone he cried. Sometimes he wouldn’t even notice he was doing it, he would just reach up and feel the wetness on his cheeks. JJ has been staying with him, thank god. Pope doesn't think he could handle worrying about if JJ was okay with his dad or if he was laying half dead in the middle of his living room because his dads an abusive piece of shit. He doesn’t know where JJ goes during the day, but he can guess. He offers to go with him, hoping that JJ will say yes, so maybe they can grieve and heal together, but knowing the answer will be no. Kie has texted him twice since John B. and Sarah died. Once the morning after their lives changed forever, saying that she was okay but needed time, and once today saying that they needed to talk. If Pope had to guess, he’d guess that she wanted to talk about them. Pope had wanted to put this talk off for as long as possible, because losing his friends had changed things.

With nothing to do to fill his time, he’s done nothing but think. He tries to read, but more often than not he finds himself rereading the same paragraph for half an hour. He thinks about him and Kie, how he confessed his love for her and how she turned him down, and while he was upset there was a small part of him that was relieved? He thinks about how she kissed him and it felt nice, but he didn’t feel anything that you should when you’re in love with someone. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. Kie is perfect, she’s beautiful and passionate, and on paper they are the perfect couple, but he just doesn't feel the spark. He knows the moment he sees her he’s going to have to tell her this, and he’s afraid because he doesn’t know how she’ll react. How are you supposed to react when the person who was confessing their love for you a few days ago now tells you he just wants to be friends? 

He thinks about how he’s the happiest around JJ, about how no one makes him laugh, the gut wrenching laugh that leaves him feeling like he’s just done sixty sit-ups except JJ. He thinks about how JJ’s hands leave a burning sensation on his skin wherever he touches, as if he’s standing too close to a fire, but backing away isn’t even an option because this is a warmth that he has desired his entire life. He thinks about the pleasant tingling sensation that JJ’s lips left on his jaw when he had kissed him, thinks about how he wanted nothing more than to lean forward to press his lips against JJ’s a few moments later, when JJ grabbed his face, in hopes of feeling that tingling again, maybe even stronger than before. He thinks about the bruises on JJ’s face, there because of him, and he wants to wrap JJ up in his arms and shield him from the cruelty of his fathers’ fists. All of this thinking has forced him to confront four facts. One, he does love Kiara dearly, but only as a friend. Two, he is absolutely sure that he is bisexual. Three, he convinced himself that he was in love with Kie to hide from the fact that four, he’s pretty sure that he’s in love with JJ.

He tries to organize his mind on the walk to Kie’s family’s restaurant, plans out what he wants to say, wonders if he should tell her about how he’s bisexual and has feelings for JJ or just say losing John B changed things for him. The thought of using John B’s death as an excuse makes him nauseous and he immediately regrets even thinking it. He sees Kie sitting at their usual table and makes his way over there, palms sweating as he sits down across from her.

“Hey Pope, how are you? You know, all things considered”, Kiara asks the moment he sits down. He can see the tell tale signs of red puffiness around her eyes that clues him into the fact that she’s probably spent the last few days crying.

“Uh, good as can be I guess? Everyday it's hard, I miss them, but I keep going. When things get bad, I take a breath and remember the good times and that helps, so yea. What about you, how have you been feeling?”. Pope watches her swallow hard and blink back tears, so he waits patiently for her to collect herself. 

“I’m fine”, she responds after a few seconds of silence, “So listen Pope I brought you here because I wanted to talk about… us. I kissed you and you said-”, Pope doesn’t let her get any farther than that before he interrupts her.

“No, Kie, um can I go first? So I tried to plan out what I wanted to say on the way here, and I want to start by saying that I’m sorry and that it’s not my intention to hurt you and it never was. Over the past few days I've had a lot of time to think and I realized a few things. When I said I loved you I meant that, I do love you, but as a friend. I think I used you to avoid admitting a few things to myself, to avoid acknowledging the fact that I’m bisexual and that I think i’m in love with JJ. It was easier to convince myself that I had feelings for you, than it was to admit that I’d fallen for him”, Pope said. He didn’t realize how amazing it would feel to actually say those things out loud, to admit that to someone who he trusts and knows won’t judge him for these feelings. He looks up at her and realizes that she looks shocked. The longer she doesn’t say anything the more nervous he gets. Did he say too much? Should he have not told her about his feelings for JJ? He starts to fiddle with the bracelet on his arm, the one he and JJ share.

After a few minutes Kie finally says, “Wow. I don’t know what to say, um congratulations? Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy that you realized this about yourself and I fully support you, it just caught me off guard. Okay, my turn. Pope I came here to break off whatever we had sort of started. I don’t love you that way, but when I kissed you I was betting on the fact that I could grow too. Then John B. and Sarah died and I don’t think I could handle a relationship right now, so all's well that ends well, and no hard feelings. That being said, what are you gonna do?”

Pope let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding and took a moment to let the relief wash over him before acknowledging the fact that Kiara had asked him a question. “What am I gonna do about what?”

“About global warming”, Kie snarked out with an eye roll. “About JJ you dumbass.”

“I’m not going to do anything Kie. We have a good thing going, what if telling him ruins that and makes things awkward. I’m not willing to lose him over this.”

“Okay if you want to play the what if game, what if he feels the same about you and you two start something amazing together. You say you love him? Then take a chance on him, I think you owe it to yourself. You’re always there for us and worrying about us, it's time you do something for yourself. You don’t deserve to have this what if hanging over your head for the rest of your life. Plus this is JJ we’re talking about, I don’t think he’d let this ruin your friendship.”

With all the thinking Pope had done, he hadn’t thought about that.

*********

JJ walked into the Heyward residence at half past nine, and per usual the house was quiet. Mr. and Mrs. Heyward were in bed early in anticipation for an early work day and Pope was upstairs doing whatever it was Pope did when JJ was gone. He stopped in the kitchen to make himself a sandwich, only partly to stall until ten so that he could go right upstairs and go to bed.

When he finally sucked it up and went upstairs, Pope was laying in his bed facing away from the air mattress JJ sleeps on. JJ felt equal parts relieved and disappointed. He knew Pope wouldn’t wait up for him, but he hoped he would. JJ stripped off his shirt and climbed onto the air mattress, ready to go to sleep. He didn’t expect to hear Pope’s voice.

“JJ are you okay, you’re being safe right?”

JJ took a minute to think before answering. Was he okay? Probably not, but right now he didn’t feel not okay so he said, “Yeah Pope, I’m alright. And yes, I’m being safe, promise.”

“Good. I don’t know what i’d do if I lost you too. Goodnight JJ.”

“Goodnight Pope”, was all JJ could say around the lump in his throat. He’d been numb all day, but a few words from Pope and suddenly he felt everything. Sadness, anger, fondness, grief, and something warm and unidentifiable in his chest. He closed his eyes to hold his tears at bay.  
“JJ? I don’t know if I’m okay”, Pope confesses after so long that JJ thought he’d fallen asleep. He doesn’t respond for a moment, just considers his options. He could pretend that he’s asleep and not have to deal with this, he could talk to Pope from his air mattress, or option three.

“Move over Dr. Spock, I’m coming up.” It’s risky and probably won’t help with his feelings for Pope, but JJ wants this and he doesn’t have the energy to deny himself. He hears the bed creak as Pope scooches over in the small bed, barely big enough for the two of them. JJ gets into bed beside him and they both lay on their backs, staring up at the ceiling. The bed is so small that their thighs and shoulders touch and the feeling sets JJ ablaze and he wonders if Pope can feel that heat too. They just lay there together in the silence for a while before JJ decides to break it. “I’m sorry that I haven’t been here. It’s just really hard for me, and I know it’s hard for you too, and I- I’m just sorry I haven’t been there for you.”

He hears Pope take a few deep breaths- he wonders if it’s to keep himself from crying- before he responds, “It’s okay. I know that everyone grieves differently, and I could have tried harder too. I know that you’ve been going to John B’s.”

There's another silence and JJ is content to just lay there next to Pope all night, but Pope has a different idea. JJ feels him shift onto his side, facing him, and JJ turns his head to look at Pope. His heart starts hammering against his chest when he realizes how close their faces are. All he’d have to do is move five inches closer and their lips would touch. The thought sends a thrill through him, before he reminds himself that he can’t do that. Pope breaks the silence by whispering in the space between them, “Me and Kie called it quits today.” Pope’s voice is soft, because talking any louder might shatter the moment they’re in. 

JJ swallows hard twice before rasping out a small, “why?” Pope doesn’t answer him, instead he darts his eyes down to his lips and JJ feels his breath catch in his throat. Pope starts moving closer slowly and doesn’t stop until their foreheads are touching. The feeling of Pope’s breath on his face, makes JJ’s skin tingle in the most pleasant way. He doesn’t know what's happening, or why, or what to do next but he doesn’t want it to stop.

“Pope”, JJ breathes out almost silently, “I’m damaged goods.” JJ doesn’t know why he says that because he wants this to continue, but he feels he has to warn Pope of all the things wrong with him, of why he isn’t a good choice.

Pope takes it in stride and without missing a beat replies, “We’re all works in progress.”

JJ isn’t finished yet. “You’re going to go off to college and accomplish your dreams, and I’ll just hold you back.”

“You could never hold me back. You inspire me to be better and work harder, and I hope I do the same for you. We’ll do it together.” JJ can’t argue with that because Pope does inspire him to be better, but he has one last thing he needs to get out, one last thing that Pope needs to know.

“I don’t know how to love”, JJ whispers so quietly that if they were any farther apart Pope would have missed it.

“I’d be happy to teach you”, Pope responds in the same tone of voice.They lay there just breathing for what feels like eternity, the silence between them charged, before JJ leans forward and presses his lips against Pope’s. Nothing he could have dreamt up would have been able to compare to the feeling of Pope’s lips against his. It felt like electricity was shooting through his body, like the world stopped and no one existed, but them. It felt like a missing puzzle piece clicking into place and more than anything, it felt like home.

JJ felt Pope reach up to put his hand on his face, and JJ reached over to rest his hand against Pope’s neck. He briefly wondered what it would be like to kiss the smooth skin beneath his fingers, but that could wait because he was kissing Pope and not even God could pry him away from Pope’s lips at this moment.

He doesn’t know how long they kiss, time doesn’t exist here in Pope’s arms. Eventually after what could be minutes or hours, they finally break apart to catch their breath. They don’t break the silence, they just move into a position that allows them to hold each other for the rest of the night. JJ doesn’t know what this means. If it means they’re dating or if they even have to label it. There are a million things that can go wrong and a million things that they’ll have to deal with, but for now JJ is content to lay here and enjoy the feeling of mattering to someone.

**Author's Note:**

> So what did you think! Drop a comment so we can scream, sob, and freak out about about JJPope together.


End file.
